This blog was a dream that I dreamed of after marrying the love of my life. I finally felt connected and fused. Hence – the name.
At that time, I did not know that in the coming year my husband would be diagnosed of an extremely rare cancer. And that I would loose him. I have always been scared of sharing myself publicly. Now that I have lost the one person – the one thing that matters the most – I have chosen to be fearless.
Today, I almost ran into another car at full speed. It was completely my mistake. Last 5 days, I have a total of 15 hours of sleep in total. I have severe brain fog since I lost my love. My grief has taken over my faculties. I did not even see the other car. I don’t know what part of my instincts acted up and saved me. But save they did. I apologised fervently. No one was hurt. Not even the cars.
I froze. All of a sudden I realised, I can’t call my husband. Ever. I sat in the car for next 45 mins crying. I started dialling. My friend picked up. She stayed on the phone for around 2 hours to calm me down. She has been one of my rocks in the last 4 months.
Today’s experience made me realise – this is life. I have got to stop being fearful. My husband lived life to the fullest. He achieved all of his dreams – except two. Getting healthy and having our baby. He lived fearlessly. He was kind but he never let anyone’s opinions stop him in his way. In a world of clones, he was an original. He lived life on his terms.
I lost all hope after he left. I am not ashamed to say that I did not really know a reason to be alive. I have been optimist whole of my life. I was left without any of it. I struggle many a days. I also remember what my darling said the first day of this horrible ride – now you have to live for both of us. So the days I don’t feel like living for myself, I remind myself that I have to live his life. On those days, I drive his car, I listen to his techno, and I try to go biking in the forest.
Today – I also have to start living fearlessly. I have learnt three things today –
1 – There is no control.
My husband was a vegetarian for 23 years. He was a mountain biker who went gymming with me twice a week. He was great at golf and achieved a -1 handicap at his best. He rarely drank, never smoked, or consumed drugs. He meditated. He was a happy, ever the optimist. He should have lived forever. He deserved all the happiness & health. And he is the one who gets a rare cancer with no solutions.
Life happens. We try our best, but it’s not in my control.
2 – Being fearless is essential for me.
I used to think that being fearless is terrifying. However, in reality it is essential for me now. I can’t share the pain, the learnings or my truest emotions if I can’t be fearless.
Loving my husband and being loved by my husband has changed my life. The people who love you always love. They protect you and they always understand you. They see the best in you. They see your flaws and they keep loving you. Their love gives you the strength to keep working on improving yourself. The rest do not matter. Haters gonna hate. People who can’t do – gossip about people who can do.
3 – Losing people has a huge impact on your body.
Sleeplessness, brain fog, muscle ache, lack of appetite, headaches, irritability, sudden mood swings, raced heartbeats, lack of motivation, and many many more things. Grief unfolded impacts in many ways. I learnt it today.
I also noticed that if you do not let your grief unfold – it eats you. I have seen people who refuse to cry to look strong – become bitter shells of people they used to be. Life has love and the other side of that love is grief. The cost of being loved deeply. In grief, everyone has to make a choice. The choice of going under the wave, letting it crash you and hopefully eventually arriving on the other side. Or the choice gets made for you. Abandoning our pain results in anger, blame-games, and bitterness. Maybe even more horrors.
In the community of young widowers, I have learnt how to make the right choice for me. I am lost. I am going under the waves – big and small – as they come. I surrender to my life. I still do my very best at biking, walking, going to the gym, doing therapy, journaling, meeting friends and sharing my emotions. I also express myself in tears more than 25 times a day. I also stay sad when I meet people around whom I feel safe. They accept me and they care for my healing. They wish me well. They hold me in their arms when I cry or when I howl. This is my journey. I own my love. I am the luckiest (maybe second luckiest) person to have found the love of my life. I lived the dream for 4 years. This pain, this grief is because I miss every moment I spent with my husband. The grief is because he deserved so much better. The regret of some things not done. I also own that I have to create my own meaning of life. I have to live like my husband lived – fearlessly. I am terrified. I hope you help me along on the journey.
Fused Living 