Fused Living

I am haunted by the question – how are you doing? I usually lie and say I am okay. Because explaining how I am doing can vary like the curve for tan theta. For non-nerds – it swings from negative to positive infinity.

Are we uncomfortable with sadness?

I feel I have to hide my sadness. People come visit me and tell me you need to move on. Yes, you lost him. But life moves on darling. Do something.

I get it. Everyone is trying to help me. Most (not all – some angels don’t have wings) are also extremely uncomfortable with deep sadness and despair. It is the truth. I have acted the same way in the past.

Handing out pep talks when all someone needs is a shoulder to cry on.

It is so difficult to sit with deep sadness and just be. In the culture of trying to do something – trying to fix something just so that we don’t have to feel – my feelings were buried.

So how am I now – really?

Deeply sad. In despair.

I wake up and realise this is not a nightmare. He is really gone. I wake up with tears every day.

I make my tea and I remember I used to write while he read his sports news. In silence – pure bliss. Then I am in tears.

I try to journal. It’s about him and our life, usually. Then I cry.

It’s time for some music, so I play his techno. And, like clockwork I cry.

This repeats over and over. Random moments hit you like gravity and bring you down. Like putting up pictures, now I need to ask someone if it’s a heavy picture to hang. I don’t know whom to ask what should I eat tonight. I cry each time I watch TV at night, I used to fall asleep every day. Then when it was time for bed, he will gently nudge me or kiss me. By the time it’s time for bed, I have cried about 15-25 times. I do one more cry, missing his arms around me in my bed.

I am not going to hide anymore. If I’m too sad – I am.

Why talk about it now?

It’s not working anymore. This is too big. My brain refuses to cooperate. My body refuses to cooperate. My heart well – guess what it does.

I don’t want to fake it anymore.

Before you judge me, I am the same girl who applied to 150 companies when I knew that the odds of an immigrant getting a job that needs visa sponsorship in US is slim to none. I have worked with and against odds whole of my life. I never ran from hard work.

This is different. I feel perplexed. Less than 4 months ago, I fought the heavens and the earth just so that my husband could live one more day. Now, I find it so difficult to fight for myself. I know life is precious. I am struggling to find meaning of life without love. I am really struggling. I don’t want to hide anymore. I’m working on it. I also accept my sadness. I also have accepted to let go anyone who is not okay with me expressing my sadness.

Why are we never taught how to deal with sadness?

My bigger concern is we all have grief in our life. Why are we never prepared for it? Like, not landing our favorite job, not getting the grades we want, not dating the girl we want, losing our love, losing our parents, and so many other shades of grief. We will all go through it. Yet, no one teaches us how to act, how to handle ourself, or how to soothe ourself.

I think this ought to be changed.

Why should this change?

As a part of this process, I have seen people change into most horrible versions of themselves.

• Some triggered by facing their own mortality
• Some triggered by seeing excruciating pain suffered by a love one
• Some letting their materialism overpower their sanity
• Some losing themself when they realise they lost a chance to truly connect when they were totally lost in themselves (being self-centered)
• Some blaming others for the pain instead of showing compassion
• Some delving deep into work to run away from pain
• …and many others

My fellow grievers share horror stories of their own. Family and friends who sometimes deeply hurt them after loss. I think we all deserve to learn how to get better – better.

What has helped me?

I don’t have all the answers. I am working on it.

Walking has been the most helpful. Biking works sometimes. Followed by talking about my feelings with friends & family who are comfortable with it. Writing is cathartic. Remembering my husband and talking about sweet things he did helps a lot. Listening to his voice in all the talks we recorded soothes me. Last but not the least, good therapy & good cry. I appreciate good guidance at this time.

As I said – I don’t have all the answers. I just think we need to be taught at home or at school or in undergrad or somewhere – how to regulate our emotions and how to heal ourselves.