Fused Living

I was speaking to my father the other day and I realised that he has inculcated in me a strong desire to work for my own success. I did not get any trophies for participation. As an asian woman, I never even expected to get every job or get into every school just because I worked hard. I always understood that there are several people working very hard and I am one of them. I am proud of myself but I am not the only one. My recent experiences made me realise not everyone thinks like this.

So, what are my recent experiences?

• A middle aged person cribbing that his parents did not buy him an apartment in a major city when he was 21
• A 23 year old who has 6 months of experience asks if he can sit in on the meeting with a CFO
• An older brother expecting that all of his younger brother’s assets go to him and all the debts go to his wife after passing. While his wife supported him mostly alone during her husband’s horrifyingly painful 1 year cancer journey

I am sure all of us can add to this list. The first thing that always pops in my mind is – Does anyone ever think – what do I bring to the table? And no – I did something nice 5-15-20 years back – is not the answer. What are you doing today?

Why am I writing about this now?

• A – I am little frustrated.
• B – I am not alone. This is happening all around us.

Am I going on a rant – in my days – blah blah blah?

It is time for truth.

My story…

I was not born in privilege but I was born in a lucky home. Typical middle class well-educated family. We did not have a lot of money but my parents (both my father and my mother) are people of integrity. They taught me that you can achieve all your dreams if you are ready to work for it.

When I got an admit from an Ivy in New York – my father put a big portion of his retirement savings as a collateral for my loan. I had 10% interest rate on that loan. I worked hard and he supported me. Was it easy? Hell no. I studied, networked, worked (as a student to make money on the side) – running around 70-80 hours a week. I never complained. I am proud of myself. I taught myself how to work and how to learn. I also learnt that not all dreams come true. I did not land my dream job but I got the next best on my list at the time. My parents also taught me that you can work as hard as you want but there are things that you will never be able to control. For that you need faith & hope.

My husband was very similar. He was very intelligent. He was also born in a middle class family. Only difference was that he was born in North-western Europe which makes his journey different – not easy – just different. He started his own business at an early age. For the first 5-7 years (maybe more) he did not make enough money to live on it. He was studying physics at the time. And he was also freelancing at another place to make ends meet. Living in a tiny subsidised apartment. He kept going. Any reasonable person would stop after 2-3 years – but he kept going. He said people don’t remember the years that I was working my ass off – for almost nothing. Every time he told me that story – I could see why he understood my journey.

I really appreciated that my husband and I never felt entitled to anything in life.

What do professionals think?

A typical google search tells me that type of society we grow up in (individualistic vs collectivistic), our childhood, and our personality traits (low self-esteem etc.) tend to contribute towards sense of entitlement. I am not a psychologist so I will leave that to the pros. What I do know is that at some point as adults we need to learn that either we all are special or no one is special. Just so that we can develop compassion for others and live a happy life.

What am I trying to say?

I understand that the job market or the economy is a mess at the moment. However, I also see huge opportunities. There are so many things to be done. It is the time to be creative. We are all connected today – anyone in Asia can also seek funding for a startup in EU or US or why go anywhere – stay in Asia. There are so many products that don’t work and so many opportunities in this space. Only requirement is – working towards it.

Yes, if you want to be the next Zuckerberg or Musk – I don’t have any advice for you. You need to be brilliant, lucky and in the right place at the right time. It’s hell of a combination – who knows, you might have it.

For the rest, I want to say that there is hope. We are all getting tired of factory made cookie-cutter things and solutions. There’s space for everyone. Instead of delving in darkness, we can lift each other up and create something together.

This makes me grateful. What for?

I am very grateful for my husband – who reminded me of the child in me when I was 27. I was ready to jump of a cliff – taking massive debt & pivoting to a very niche career choice – while having full faith in myself. He loved that about me. He kept reminding me that I am awesome. I miss him. I also cherish his words – he gave me a key chain that says “You’re awesome – sometimes you forget that – so here is your reminder.”

I am also very grateful for my parents who taught me through their examples how to work hard and how to have faith. A balance.

I wish everyone is that lucky that they get to see the balance. I wish they also get the person who cheers them on. And I wish – I am that cheering voice for some.