Fused Living

This post is raw. I recommend that if you don’t want to read about death and pain that comes with it – please stop now.

Our story

We got married 2.5 years back. Lovely summer day. It was perfect. He is perfect. We are perfect. He is my love. He loves me & I love him. He respects me and I respect him. He is beautiful and I am hot. He is kind and I am funny. Everything fits. Just everything. If I could have made the man of my dreams with my own two hands, I could not have made it better. I waited 34 years – bloody 34 years to meet him. I was never in love. So so many dates. So many relationships. No one fit. And then boom – I see him standing & waiting for me at the end of the street. He says hi – and that’s it – I am his. It took us 1 date – 7.5 hours long – we just could not say bye. We had to make ourselves physically stop from kissing. We needed to know it was love not just you know attraction.

Our marriage

A perfect year of marriage. Just love. Giggles. Happiness. Travel. So many coffees and so many drives. Perfection. In three years until then – we had zero fights. Never ever did we ever seriously disagree on anything – kids, marriage, wedding, mortgage, cars, financial decisions, career, family – nothing. I have never had anyone in my life with whom my values aligned more. We did things differently. But our principles – exactly the same.

It hits us

Then my husband starts feeling funny in his stomach. GP misdiagnoses it. For 8 months.

GP keeps giving antibiotics. Then puts him on IBD diet – his stomach grows 3 times the size. 8 months later – he is diagnosed of stage IV rare cancer.

That’s it – time stopped.

• We fought – he fought. We did everything we could.

• Chemo after chemo. Second opinions and surgeries and complications.

• I see my husband fade away.

• My beautiful husband. My athletic husband. My love. His body faded away.

And then 17 weeks back almost too the moment – he took his last breath in my arms. I was holding him – he was right here.

How can he be gone?

How can I never see him again?

How does this happen, one minute we were so happy and all of a sudden he is gone?

All of this can vanish in a second. My husband is gone. It hurts so much. I can’t explain. Today – I dreamt of how his skin felt against mine. How he used to smile. How his cheeks felt against my face. How his lips felt on mine. How his surgery scars felt. I don’t know why I am writing this. But it hurts like fucking hell.

I know it doesn’t help. But why?

My husband was a vegetarian. He did not drink much. He did not smoke. He did not do any drugs. My husband golfed 3-4 times a week. He went gymming twice a week. He mountain biked at least 1-2 times a week. He was kind. He forgave everyone. He carried no malice even for the people who were mean to him. He was sweet in traffic. He focused all of his life on doing fun things like racing cars, playing golf, and developing cool code. He loved kids and he cared for all kids. And all kids loved him.

I don’t want to ask this question that has no answers. But sometimes I do (I’m sorry darling – I am not as strong as you. I don’t know where the strong woman you married is gone.).

He did not deserve it. My husband deserved a long happy healthy life. I can’t believe out of all the people in the world, he is the one who gets the fucking rare cancer. I hate this. Hate is such a small word compared to what I feel.

He deserved more. He deserved better doctors. He deserved to take more care of himself. I wish I would have forced him to go to doctor earlier. I wish – I wish something worked like magic for him. I wish he was here – I wish he was alive. I just wish you were here darling. I just want you back. I love you so much. I thought love could change everything. Maybe I should have loved you more. Maybe then – just then you’d be still here and we would be having our first kid. Raising them – living happily forever. Maybe you could have been the happiest man with me the happiest woman in the world. Only if.