Fused Living

No one leaves many many letters to figure out your life.

Not everyone is evil around you.

There is no fixed path – like in most movies. You don’t just move on. It’s different. Grief as a youngish adult is different.

Grief moulds us. It changes how we walk, it changes how we talk, it changes how we think, it changes how we see ourself, it changes our goals, it changes how we perceive things, and it also keeps changing us for a while.

So how is it like?

It is different for everyone. I can only speak for myself.

How do you deal with it?

I am a huge cryer. It’s my go-to move to express sadness. I let it out. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to cry in front of strangers so I find empty spaces where I can be comfortable.

I am taking time-off. My brain has refused to cooperate with me. The number of times I have forgotten where keys are or whether I have locked my house can not be counted on hands anymore. I have decided to accept the signal. I take being professional sincerely, and this brain fog can be a recipe for disaster.

How do you do life?

I have been a very ambitious person for whole of my life. Even when I was 7 years old I wanted to be an astronaut. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen. It took me a few years until I sat on a rollercoaster to decide otherwise.

Now, the usual things don’t matter. There was a time when making partner in a big firm was the ultimate goal. It took only my husband’s diagnosis for that one to become completely useless. Nothing at work has ever given me any lasting happiness or fulfilment when compared to my husband. Even now, memory of his smile or a joke or a hug are a gazillion times more valuable.

I have not made any decisions since.

What’s next?

The only thing I have to keep reminding myself is what my husband would do. Some days I just sit being sad in a puddle of tears. All of a sudden, I realized my husband did not live in self-pity. So I make myself get up and cook some healthy veggies for dinner. That is how far I have gotten.

My darling husband deserved the best luck and the most generous life. I keep wishing him well and asking him what I should do next. Sometimes I hear a voice, the way he would call me by a special name. I know what he would say and I know what he would want me to do. I am trying my level best. I do not always succeed.

All these words to say, there is no right path for grief. Life can take a turn. Whatever path we are on – we can just keep doing our best. Being the kindest and the most generous people we can be.