Fused Living

It is a scary thing to speak your mind. There are misinterpretations, miscommunications, and potentiality for inaccurate facts. All of these make it much harder to speak up and stand up for yourself.

Benefit of doubt

I like giving people the benefit of doubt.

One of my best friends recently pointed it out to me. She remarked that I have a tendency to accept toxic behaviour longer than necessary. Looking back at my life, I agree with her. I used to let people commit to same patterns 10-15 times before my boundaries screamed – RUN. At that point, I usually did not put up a fight, I just packed up and left. In that scenario, because of failure of my analysis, leaving was the best option. Patterns do not change. Not easily.

So now I have a new system – accountability. My method in three lines –

• First transgression – It can be a mistake or an oversight.

• Second transgression – It can be a coincidence.

• Third transgression – Now that – is a pattern.

I usually try talking at the second junction. If that fails, I watch out for third junction. At which point, I am vocal of my retreat. I claim my voice and I claim my ground.

Why did I need to learn it?

After the most major life event there can be – I observed that three people acted out in a manner that was not only disrespectful but also deeply hurtful and problematic.

I am finally following what my husband told me to do. I have made peace with the fact that he was far more intelligent when it came to understanding and to judging people than I am at the moment. He also has excellent follow up.

My husband’s philosophy was simple. He let people be free and act according to their own free will. He never commented when they hurt him, but he would reduce the frequency of meeting and depth of the conversation immediately. Once that happened, that person moved to the outer rim of our social life. A point of no return. At that point, my husband would say something about it to me. I would observe what changed in him, I would feel enraged at the self-centredness of these people. He would say – just leave it Mumu. Not worth our time. At that point, I let it go. More important things were at play – we were both fighting heavens and earth to save his life.

What has changed now?

I have reclaimed my ground. Too many lies have been told. Now it’s time for some hot in-your-face-truth.

Facts –

• For 12 rounds of chemo through 7 months – only two people visited my husband to hold his hand apart from me. Once my sister and once his brother when he was visiting for work. His mother never visited him once in those 7 months. What was your excuse then? Did you know that nurses asked us why does his mother never come?

• For 12 months no one researched anything for my husband’s extremely rare cancer. Only me and him. Not his mother, not his brother. They gave up immediately. The best surgeon for his disease was in his brother’s state in US. He never contacted him. Would he do it – if this was for him?

• For 12 months whenever we wold travel for second opinions or for surgeries, his mother refused to home sit our house. Why, she always had our keys?

• For 12 months I never received a single call from his mother asking how I was doing, not once. I expect nothing, you weren’t even there for your own son.

• For 12 months this person always talked about herself and how she was getting old to her terminally ill son. How are you surprised that he did not want to even talk to you by the end?

• For the 2 months her son was fighting for his life in the US, this person chose not to visit him. Even when the doctors said they were not sure if he will make it back alive. How?

• For 8 weeks when my husband could not eat, this person ate in front of him and kept talking about how desperately she needs 3 big meals a day. This is unacceptable, the talking. Do you feel anything for anyone?

• For the last 4 weeks, I could not make myself eat. His mother won’t cook or support us. My husband needed medicines or food through G/J tubes and it kept me running around. So my husband asked a neighbour in front of his mother – will you please cook for my wife? And our neighbours did. Not surprised, but your son tried to incite character in you.

• And if this was not enough – 2 days before he left – she & his brother abandoned me and my husband. At this point my husband was hallucinating, I had no help and someone had to attend to him 24*7. I did not crack for 12 months but on the last count – I spoke up. I said in the softest voice I could – I wish me and my husband were as selfish as you. If we were, we would have left for US two years back and he would still be living. I own what I say.

• His mother stopped contact the moment he passed. She did not once try to sooth me or help me. Would your late husband treat me like this?

• Two months after he left, I invited her for lunch on her birthday. She came and yelled. She called me names. She lied that I yelled at her during funeral preps – thankfully I have 5-6 people witnesses saying otherwise.
  • She remarked that I was too loving and too clingy because of who I am (I am brown). I’ve worked very hard to get here. I studied at an Ivy. I earned everything through hard work. I am proud of being brown – I did not come from privilege but I do come from love.
  • I was crying for 2 hours. I could not believe what was happening. At the end – she mentions that because they knew him for whole of his life – they should get all his assets. I should take all the debts – of course. After everything?
  • When we were paying for our US medical bill, you never asked us if we needed help. Do you have any sense of self respect?
  • She said her son could not talk to her. No he did not want to talk to you.My husband had girlfriends since 23 years before he met me – he introduced 0 of them – to you or to his brother. Own your part of the equation.

• When I did not react – his mother started telling false tales. She publicly uninvited me from her (inedible, cold) Xmas. You show how much you respected your son by how you treat his widow.

Actions revealed who people truly were. Words only showed who they pretended to be.

Afterthoughts –

My heart has been raging for months and now years over how my husband & I were treated. I gave up a very successful career because my husband asked me to – he wanted to take care of his mother. He always had in the last 20 years. I wish he thought about himself. I am so proud of being your wife darling.

My only regret is not insisting on my husband and me moving to NYC when I had the chance in 2023. Maybe we would be living a much better and happier life together.

What about grief?

In my heart, I always told myself that grief makes people do horrible things. That is true. Good people can also make mistakes, but they also correct them. That shows reflection and humaneness.

Not some people though.

“It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man.” — Albert Einstein

Intentions – When he was ill – none of these people came to help us. Our friends and cousins did. But when it came to asking for things, they immediately came running. Your actions have clarified the only thing you cared for.

My husband’s Judgement – I was apprehensive of preparing legal paperwork. My husband was adamant – he said it has to be done. This was after his brother visited him (whole 3 months after my husband’s terminal diagnosis). He had seen who was what, truly. He told them what he planned.

Now I finally understand why – he did not trust them to take care of me.

Last Letters – My husband either talked or wrote a personal letter to everyone he deeply loved. Me, all his best friends, and even to his ex’s daughters. He did not write or speek to his mother or his brother. Even when they visited him every week.

With other friends, he wanted to have chats alone. And he did. That was his final way of showing who truly mattered to him.

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. – Unknown

Kindness and love are learned traits. When someone grows through a tough childhood, or someone who has developed narcissistic tendencies, it becomes even more important to stay soft and open. Both me and my husband had to work very hard to feel all our feelings and express them. We both had a period where we worked solely on ourselves, knowingly avoiding relationships.

His love was deep. His reactions and his actions were huge. He was a stoic. He just let go off people – people who disappointed him. And so – I must follow his footsteps. I must leave all the negativity and move forward with my love in my heart. Maybe, just maybe then one day I will be able to smile – the way I used to.

He talked to me for hours and hours in the last few weeks. He told me all the things he dreamed of doing. All the things he wanted for me. Every day I think of a life without him, it brings me to tears – and I can hear him say…

I will be standing always right next to you and in front. Always right next to you and in front. My darling. – Pubu

None of us, including me are perfect. All we can ensure is we don’t cause more pain to people already in going through pain. We carry our own weights.

So anyone like us, who has learned to speak up after months or years of deliberation, please gather all your grace and speak up. Stand tall in your truth. Find your clan. I am rooting for you and for your happiness.