Fused Living

It is snowing heavily where I am. The roads are blocked with snow. The cars are draped in white. The grocery stores are running out of stuff.

And I – had to drive for essentials.

Small things matter the most

The moment I stepped out of the house – I realised that heating my car did not do the trick. There was a foot of snow on the car and couple of feet of snow in front of it. I started scrapping it down and a neighbour came over in a few. He started helping me shovel. I was so deeply touched by this gesture.

He taught me how to love

Love is a verb – an active verb. I learnt how showing up in small ways is what matters the most. It was my husband knowing how to make a perfect cup of tea for me (it is more of an art then science).

I remember the first time I felt this beautiful feeling when he looked deep in my eyes. He had those eyes – those damn eyes. They fucked me forever. I wish them for everyone. The eyes that say I am yours and you are mine – now let’s be. I can see him looking into my soul – even today when I close my eyes. He felt them too. He wrote me a whole letter about my eyes. Those are my favourite words in this world. Small things.

He taught me how kindness can be love

My husband was a very kind man. He spoke to every kid who came to our door asking for donations. He would always let the pedestrians go first. He was exceptionally kind in traffic. I learnt driving from him, and let’s just say I never experience road rage. There is a way to live like this. It feels a little bit like love for yourself.

I learnt that honouring yourself means being kind. To my self. To others. It feels like loving – an action.

Now when I am on the road, I let the pedestrians go. I let people in. I get so many sweet smiles. I get so many nods. A small gesture. And suddenly, I feel like I am honouring him. Suddenly, it feels like he is living through me. Above all, that is the thing I want the most to keep him and his love alive.

May the force be with us – the lovers.